Well, the next phase is nearly here.
Chemo starts tomorrow, and I think I’m as ready as I’ll ever be. I mean, how do you prepare for this? I’m tired of making lists. I’m tired of planning (never thought I’d say that, right?) so I’m hoping this feeling is just another phase. I want it to just be done and over with, but I know it will be one of those things that will seem like it’s forever in the moment. But when it’s over it’ll be as if it were just a blink of an eye. I hold on to that – this too shall pass.
So what do I do? I throw a party! A pre-chemo party, a pseudo birthday party for Graham, a last hoorah for the girls. Full of close friends & playgroup families. Kids were held in the back rooms (under supervision, of course) while the adults actually had some fun. Thank you to all who came! Kinda like my own little mardi gras. (FYI, fridge is full of beer and bar is full of wine, so when you visit, it’ll be guaranteed good times.)
For today, I go to work, like any ordinary day. Get as much done as possible. It does feel a bit like ‘dead woman walking’. I mean, I know I’m not gonna die, but there is a sort of ‘last rights’ feeling before I embark on this next, shall we call it journey? Of the unknown, really. Because who knows how I’ll feel, react, look like. And yes, scared. But I do my best to stay out of that part of my head. I do breakdown at times, but I try to only let it last for a moment, afraid that if I cry for too long that it’ll be harder for me to bounce back and stand up straight again.
And I can’t say enough about the support and love and prayers. Throughout life you know that you’ve made friends along the way, but iI’ve never truly known the love that can exist until now. I mean, I thought I did when I met & fell in love with graham, and then when I had the girls. But this, this is different. No words can express my gratitude and appreciation, and yes, love. I know it will carry me through. So thank you.
I’m taking tomorrow off, more for my mental health than anything. And then we’ll see how my body reacts. The next waiting game. Ah, wait and see. I think I will have to create a posting of all the bullshit sayings that run through my head, and sorry for my sarcasm, but I’m in a ‘who gives a shit’ mode right now. So yes, wait and see, this too shall pass, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. BULLSHIT SAYINGS. How about ‘suck it up’. ‘better you than me’ ………..ok, I’ll stop before I offend anyone.
Love you all.