Bad Right Breast

I've Always Hated My Right Breast!

DONE WITH TREATMENT, now what? April 17, 2012

Filed under: cancer — Bad Right Breast @ 8:10 pm

It’s one week. The week after I have completed radiation, in which someone asks, ‘are you done with treatment?’ I reply yes. They look back at me with such elation, ‘yay! Congrats!’ I force a smile each and every time and say thanks. I sometimes even pump my arms in the air in confidence in case they don’t buy my smile as genuine. It gets harder as each additional person congratulates me. But no matter what, I can’t help the loneliness I feel inside. I mean, I know I’m not alone. I’ve got an amazing partner, incredible friends, unconditional loving family, and co-workers who have my back. But for this week after I have ended treatment, I feel more depressed than I ever have in my entire life, including when I found out that I had cancer. Ridiculous, right? And then feeling like it is ridiculous probably makes me feel more depressed. I had tried so hard throughout all of treatment to stay out of my head. I’d allow myself time to grieve, and feel whatever emotions I had, but I’d force myself to jump right back into my routine. Only now that treatment is over, there is no more routine. No activity that actually says I’m taking care of this cancer thing right now. So if I’m not doing anything to rid my body, what am I doing exactly? Just sitting and waiting for my body to heal. And even then, what? In my experience, people are unable to feel when they have to focus on surviving. It’s once their body determines that they are safe that they start to get all the feelings attached to that experience.’ Well that explains it …sort of. It’s the first time I feel true depression. My body aches and feels as if I’m an eighty year old woman. I sit for ten minutes and go to stand, but my hips and knees refuse to catch up. So as my body is supposed to be healing it actually feels like its falling apart more now than ever before. The only yoga I can take right now is filled with older women, and is, no offense to those there, but too geriatric for me. I need something to kick me in the ass. My gardening helps but still isn’t enough.

 

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